I'm genuinely so useless. I'm sofucking stupid. I'm nothing but a disappointment. I don't go to school, the best grade I got inthe last year is a 50 in the easiest classes, I'm a bad-tempered asshole, I'm a stupid fucking kid that cuts themselves and won't amount to anything. I'm sorry, mama.

They haven't been talking to me lately, I'm lonely and rotting and upset, and I'm not doing anything about it. I'm starting to resent everyone around me for not noticing, for not caring to notice. It wouldn't even matter if they did, I just hate everything right now. I hate this, I hate myself, I hate my scars, I hate the world, I hate everyone. I wish I could just slit myself open and bleed out the bad feelings.

I hate my siblings, I hate the noise, I hate the air, I hate my skin, I hate my body. I don't want to be here anymore. I hate having problems, I hate that I exist, I hate that I can't say anything about how badly I want to rip the flesh from my bones. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to reach out, I genuinely would rather put lead in my cranium than express anything. I hate feeling, and I know that within a day, I will feel nothing. Nothing matters. This will not matter in the long run. My feelings are useless, and nobody fucking cares. Everyone leaves one day, and nobody will ever care for me as I care for them. When will I meet someone who actually gives a shit? When will I need to not dumb myself down to be liked in the slightest? When will I be someone's favourite? When will I be someone's first choice?

When will I not be just a third wheel or a floater friend?

God, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. My heart hurts so bad and I dont even know why. I feel like everyone hates me, I know theyre talking about me, I know they are. No one really wants to be around me and im just an annoying little shit whos messages they ignore.

How come whenenver people come to me I'm always there for them but when I need somebody suddenly I'm alone and everyones busy? I sacrifice pieces of myself for them and they wont even bother to respond to me.

God, I get it now. I get how she felt, struggling to drop them. I can’t tell if it’s nostalgia and I don’t know what to do. All of my friends are telling me to cut them off and drop them but I’m struggling to. I just want us all to be friends again. She’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to really loving someone, how do I throw that away?

I get it, she’s done really shitty things, but haven’t we all at some point? It’s all our first times living, we’re human, we make mistakes. And sure, she did do a lot of them, but I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like I care anymore. Maybe I need to grow a spine and realize I deserve better, or maybe I just got over it and it was never that big of a deal?

Maybe I’m just desperate for company, I wouldn’t be surprised. She’s the first and currently only person I’ve ever met who isn’t embarrassed or disgusted by me. Is it bad to want someone who doesn’t recoil at my touch? Is it selfish? I don’t know.

Is it mean of me to want to be around people who actually want to be around me, physically? To like being around people who touch me and don’t pull away? To be around people who dance with me when I ask? Who talks to me in public without getting embarrassed or annoyed at how I am? Around people that I don’t have to walk around on eggshells for? Around people who don’t talk about me when I’m not there? Around people who listen when I talk about things I’m passionate about? People who don’t refuse when I ask for the bare minimum amount of effort? People who understand me?

I love my friends, don’t get me wrong, I love them to bits. But sometimes I wish they’d actually act like they care as much as I do.

Adding this a little later, I don’t know what I’m on about and I should just shut up, I think.

I need to clean my room fully today, but I find it hard to start. I can't really tell how I'm feeling. I hung out with my buddies yesterday! It was nice, I got a cool gravyboat I plan on using to craft a little hanger for my room.

I didn't end up going out yesterday since I fell asleep and needed to take a shower, but I didn't end up doing it. I wasn't allowed to go thrifting anyway, considering I still need to go through the abhorrent amount of clothes I currently have. A lot of it I don't wear, but I'm keeping some of it around for scrap fabric in crafts I plan on doing.

I wanna go thrifting because thrifting is awesome, and I'm in need of more cool jackets and T-shirts I can put stupid stuff on. Vintage stuff is always a huge bonus.

Cleaning out my rat's enclosure after I finish writing this, then hopping in the shower, then going through my clothes after that, and then cleaning the rest of my room, lots of work to be done. I hope time passes quickly so I can go to work. I'm saving up for more stuff for my rats and perhaps a bigger enclosure.

She messaged me today, I don't know what to say, is it selfish for me to say yes?

HIIIII!!!! It's been ages since I've updated here, and I've fixed the broken code I was using before, so I figured I should add an entry as well! I've been doing pretty well!! Looking back on some of these entries, I cringe a little, considering I feel like I've matured a bit over the past few months, but who knows, maybe I'm imagining it. I'm hoping to go thrifting later today with my buddy! I'll edit this entry later on with what I got.

I'm gonna start setting reminders on my phone (which I'm trying to remember to keep charged, I have a habit of forgetting to because I rarely use it when I'm at home) for stuff that I feel like I'll forget to do, considering my mind tends to be pretty cluttered. Updating this is going to be one of them! I'm planning on using this as a sort of now page to keep me motivated to update more often.

I've been a little lonely lately, with most everyone else in my friend group having partners, it's hard not to be, but for some reason I'm extra desperate for some company. I wish I had a girlfriend who actually loved me, it'd be pretty great, I think.

My mothers been trying to get me into homeschooling, but I don't like it. I have problems attending classes because my sleep schedule is horrendous, which leads to me staying up all night and then sleeping through the day. And I overall just have trouble focusing in class. But I'm fully capable of doing the work, I've been told. Going back to homeschooling, I don't want to. I'm a relatively social person (sometimes), and I quite enjoy going to class to see my school friends, and overall just being around people as a general. Homeschooling sounds lonely.

I also just want a regular school experience, no more guidance counsellors, therapists, special classes, and weird looks. Anyone else wish they grew up normal?

My father moved closer recently, I don't know how to feel about it. I don't really care.

My legs hurt from sitting on them for a while, oh! Speaking of legs, I've been using the treadmill in my basement a lot to get my muscles more used to moving around more, considering it's a lot warmer now, which means my buddy and I get to walk trails again. Camping season has also started up a few weeks ago, which adds more walking.

I've also been trying to do yoga more often, since it's summer break, I haven't been able to go to my class for it, so I do it at home now. It's less motivating when I do it alone, somehow.

I haven't updated in a while!!! I've been having a great time these last few days, though!! Busy hanging out with my buddies lots, having a very fun time for real!

Planning on hanging out with another pal today! I'll update this later on. (I didn't LOL)

Feeling particularly indifferent today, I don't really know why. I think I'm just sick of them and their bullshit. One-sided relationships are the bane of my existence.

Hoping to get out and go thrifting today, also do some yoga since I've got a new yoga mat that doesn't reek like cat piss.

I don't feel anything towards them anymore, I think I'm finally over them. This is insane. My heart doesn't hurt when I think of them and their laugh anymore. I don't care about hearing about them having a nice life, it's okay, I'm better now.

I've been craving lots of salt and vinegar chips lately,,, so tasty I swear. Especially kettle chips dudeee those are so scrumptious.

Gonna try and go to all my classes today, I'm feeling somewhat motivated. Also going to tell my school friends something important hint hint, I'll update later today if I end up doing it and how it went.

Gonna take a shower, it's been an embarrassingly long time since I've washed my hair.. I'm looking forward to yoga class tomorrow!! I didn't expect to like yoga as much as I do, I was moreso expecting a sort of meditation deal, with sitting and thinking a lot pretty much, but yoga is more stretching and stuff, it's pretty awesome.

I TOLD HER!!!! LIFE IS SO AWESOME. IM SO SCARED

Attempting to recode my Tumblr layout, I hate doing this so badly. Why do they make it so complicated, shake my head. I'm very sleepy. I haven't slept since about 8 PM last night, I think.

I feel a little guilty that I messed up my sleep schedule again since it was normal for the past few weeks, but I'm not really complaining, considering that I do like staying up at night.

Being a night owl is just part of my personality, plus the freedom and independence that comes with having the house to myself without any of my family members bothering me is very welcomed.

Heya hey hi hello, I forget to write here a lot, I'm not usually the forgetful type, but when it comes to journalling and such it escapes me a lot, considering most of my days aren't very eventful, generally consisting of lots of sleeping, coding, and just relatively existing.

But journalling is fun! So I'll try to update here more often and make my days more interesting. I can start by attending my classes more often, but it's so difficult. I don't know how people do it, going every day is just so draining and intimidating, even though that sounds stupid.

But I don't particularly like being cooped up inside so often, I'm an outdoorsy person and being social is nice. Rotting in bed all day isn't good for anyone, especially me.

My rats are thirsty, so that's it for now!! Gotta go water my rodents.

I hate them so bad, I hate them so much, SO MUCH. But I love them, I love them so much, I just hate what they DO, why are they so stupid? Why are they doing that? Don't they realize how ridiculous they're being?
I'm so mad about it, I know I shouldn't be, but I am, I can't help it. I can't handle the fact that they're doing this AGAIN.

Why am I always the other person? Why am I always the second choice? Why am I ALWAYS the person people use to get over their ex and then move on? Is it so wrong to want to be wanted?

I'm always the person people look to second, I'll never be good enough, first, it's the friend you like less, then the partner you use to get over your old one, then the one you use to get off because your fucking partner is long distance. Why is it so hard to be loved?

I can't believe it happened for a third time.

Jeeeez, it's been a while. I've been forgetting to update here, as I've mentioned, my memory when it comes to journalling is,, lacking.

Planning on going thrifting today with my buddy, and I'm looking forward to it, hoping to find some cool stuffs. I also need to work on cleaning and decorating my room more, it's,,,, a mess right now, to say the least, and the walls are looking too bare for my tastes.

My first entry to my new journal on my new site!! I decided to make a new one to go alongside my new site. I don't really have much to say - I'm doing the same things I usually do.

I did archery yesterday though!! It was fun, a bit awkward with new people around in a massive building, but it was okay. MY ARMS ARE SOSO SORE THOUGH...

Hoping to get more done on my site today! Thats all! :3

THEY PUT ME IN A BUSINESS CLASS AGAIN. THERES NO WAY.
Do I LOOK like a business individual to them or something? Oh yes, let's put this very alternative hippie person in a BUSINESS class, they look like they'd be VERY good at it, yes, yes, spreadsheets and typing, of course. AIN'T NO WAY.

I feel bad for being such a nuisance to my friends and family, I feel like my existence is just a burden. I don't do anything great to add to anything.

I had an appointment today that I missed because I slept through it, and I didn't really want to go anyway.

I feel like my family is mad at me about it, I feel shitty.

I wanna hang out with any of my friends, but I feel like none of them wanna talk right now. I wish it weren't so hard to feel better. I feel stupid and needy.

I had an appointment at the clinic for an eating disorder assessment today, got diagnosed, crazy.

The lady said that my mother would have to monitor me every time I ate?? Not looking forward to that. I'm hoping she'll forget.

Today was good otherwise, I went on a call with some of my friends for a while and played games and stuff!
I also finished my friend's strawpage today!! Glad I finally got that down. :3

I slept most of the day today, I had a science exam, but I didn't go. LOL, I'm a bit cooked. Nothing else particularly interesting happened, thinking about asking my friends if they wanna go out tomorrow!

LOL, it was a no.

I feel sort of sad today, I don't really know why. My stomach started hurting ever since early this morning for no particular reason, but it's starting to bother me.

I've been feeling like I've been bothering people more lately, and I've been noticing my family acting more tired of me. I don't know what I did.

I feel sort of cringe making two separate journals for negative stuff and positive stuff, but I also feel like it's a good idea. Sometimes, people don't want to hear about others having a better or worse time than they are.

Made a new journal for my newer site!! I'm glad to finally have it done! As mentioned in my older one, I will update this rather spontaneously LOL.

Nothing much happened today. I slept in til like 10:30 AM? Lil bummed I missed my first class, but it is exam week, so I'll get over it LMAO.

Looking into going back to archery today, hopefully I can set a date soon and get my refresher done so I can do it more often. I miss shooting sharp objects.

Woahhh, I made a journal for my site finally, chat, is this real? Anyway, I will probably try and remember to write here, but it will mostly be vague and/or good things that happened throughout my day because anyone can read this, LOL.

I'm pretty forgetful when it comes to journaling, though, so it's not gonna be a day-to-day thing unless I remember to do it, plus, my days aren't usually interesting, so we'll see how this goes.